last-minute gift ideas

Holiday shopping can be a drag. The pressure's on to find that perfect gift that will convey love and appreciation to the recipient.

If you've found yourself in a gift-giving quandary, here are some suggestions to quell the angst. All have been tested in my home.

Gift idea #1: The fart machine.

Our model produces a cadence of 15 toots. Comes with a convenient remote control for long-range gags.

It's brought about hours of family fun for us (and dread amongst my relatives who are on edge at the prospect that I might gift one of their children with it).

Gift idea #2: A kind, loving pet. This is always a good option.

Not sure about size or breed? My advice is that bigger is always better.

And try to retain an element of surprise for the recipient. Don't drop hints; just show up with that incontinent great dane.

Gift idea #3: A useful household item.

Would you rather err on the side of practicality? Try something like the item in the above photo.

No need to wrap; it's already attractively packaged. Add a bow for maximum effect.

Gift idea #4: A distinguished piece of glassware.

To me, refined slogans such as the above add an element of class that elevates the item to heirloom quality.

Gift idea #5: A figure-flattering garment that bears a personal slogan.

This is a thoughtful choice when you tailor it to the interest of the recipient. "Alcoholics Anonymous worked for me" or "Chillin' Like a Villain at Alcatraz" will evoke such fond feelings each time the recipient pulls them out of a clothes hamper for one more wearing.

Thrift stores offer a plethora of options. Or, you can just plow through your own dresser drawers and scrounge up a suitable shirt.

I ordered my little brother a couple of t-shirts for his Christmas gift. They arrived today, one bearing the word "Mexico" beneath a large donkey sillhouette.

I failed to notice when ordering that the donkey's nether-regions are greatly emphasized. Oh well, it'll give little brother another option when he's choosing something to wear for church or a job interview.

Gift idea #6: Let yourself be the gift.

If you don't feel like coughing up the coin this year, simply attend the family festivities with a pleasant disposition such as the one radiating from Todd in the above photo.

You might need some assistance to muster this up before facing your family. If so, try hitting the sauce the night before, then getting up early the next day to shovel snow while your head pounds through your ears.

Upon arrival, immediately guzzle down the hair of the dog that bit you. Then, sit back and watch your family delight in your cheerful presence.

That's what Todd did. Aren't the results heartwarming?